Big Frozen Vagines!

No, this post has nothing to do with running for boobs, or drug addicted rodents.  This post is about other lady parts.  I really don't know where to begin.  Wait, I do.

Ian is a member of this alternative art/music venue called the Eye Drum.  Membership has it's privileges and boy did it come in handy tonight b/c our membership cards allowed us free admission to what would have been a $10 show.  If I had paid $10 to see what I saw tonight, I would have clawed somebody's eyes out, probably Ian's.

You all know I am a punctual person.  I love being on time so I can watch other people come in and then issue my commentary, which is usually colorful and funny, sometimes hurtful, but entertaining nonetheless.  We arrived at 8:55 and much to my surprise there were few seats left.  Now, being in the insurance industry, I am sort of an amateur risk analyst and when I saw they had a 'balcony' comprised of pieced together wooden boxes, I commanded that we sit down on the floor.  Boy do I regret that because the two chairs we found were so uncomfortable.  We might as well have been sitting on the concrete floor.  Shudder!  The show was to start at 9 p.m. but the terror didn't start 'til about 5 snowflakes past 9:30.  I was somewhat entertained by Ian asking me if I hated him and the PBR he bought for me from the bar.  And by bar I mean ice chest.

By now I am sure you have dissected the picture above and you noticed the name of the hostess for the evening was Vagina Jenkins, Jenkins pronounced Jankins.  She was a lovely buxom lady of ample stage presence.  She was voted best burlesque dancer in Atlanta, so I was kind of excited.  However, she was just hosting.  She teased us with a red leather outfit that showed a good bit of chest, but she was just teasing.  I wanted to stand up and yell, "take it off Effie!"  Her sidekick was Johnny Drago.  He was a talented enough writer and performer, but I am pretty sure Drago is not his real last name.  And with the performers he lined up for the 'variety' show, I wouldn't have used my real last name either.

The first act was a lesbian in man drag and a drag queen performing lip sync to Tony Bennett Christmas songs.  "Sacrilegious!" came to my mind many times.  The worst part of their routine, was when she (he), wait, he (she), dammit, when the drag queen came out with a huge white muff.  It looked like it was made out of a Snuggie or a Slanket.  The drag king pulled the large muff away to reveal a smaller muff until...you guessed it, it was down to her muff.  Bartender I'll have another PBR.

Ok, two acts were aerial artists.  Props to them.  They didn't kill themselves or fall on anyone in the audience.  The one girl performed in a hoop hanging from the ceiling.  She did it in stilettos; two snaps for Miss. Saigon.

Two acts were tolerable.  I didn't want their heads to explode like I did the others.  The first act, two guys were dressed as Santa and Rudolph.  Perhaps dressed is being polite.  One had on a Santa hat and the other guy had on antlers, and not much else.  They were really good dancers, at least Rudolph was.  Yawn, next.  The other act that I woke up for was Dickie Van Dyke.  Yes Virgina, that really was a dyke.  She (he) was dressed as Elvis and performed her (his) own vocals for 'Santa Claus is Back in Town'.  She stripped down to pasties and men's briefs.  I was so confused.

Lastly, I can't even begin to describe what happened with this one act.  His (her) name was 'ambientdischord', it should have been 'ambiencocktail' because it put me right to sleep.  Dressed in a pvc red latex dress and white platform boots, 'ad' performed two original songs that, had he (she) worn looser underwear, might not have been so bad.  I have tried to block out most of it, but I do remember him (her) telling the audience to scream 'revolution' when he screamed 'queer'.  Up until now he (she) had been singing in a high pitched purr, but all of the sudden he belted out 'queer' in the gruffest voice.  I think three people yelled back 'revolution'.  By this time I was calling in a bomb threat.

Wait, that wasn't the last thing.  The host, Johnny Drago (again not his real name) performed a play that he wrote, directed and starred in.  It was funny enough and I am happy I got to use Ian's membership card to see him perform.

So, that was our night in a nutshell.  A big ole fruitcake infused nutshell.  I appreciate Ian's desire to support the arts, but in the words of Ouiser in 'Steel Magnolias', "I can nap at home for free. "

It's late and I have to get up and run tomorrow.  Thanks for reading and have a great weekend.

Peaceful Running!